To a better nabila fairuz.

So before I lose my motivation, i will write down my plans for a better 2018.

1. To be healthy.
- Stop drinking sweet things (1 week) and stop eating rice (3 months) .
- Cardio/dance/zumba every 3 days for 15 mins.
- Eat healthy: Veggies and proteins! altho it may mean I would need to spend more on the groceries.

2. To travel with my own money. 
- Overseas. Not somewhere which has a honeymoon kind of environment but definitely not china vibes too. Somewhere beautiful and affordable.

3. To make a bucket list and make sure to check it off 
- I have tons of it but ill post it later. I seriously need a journal rn!

4. To learn something besides medicine. 
- Ive always been wanting to learn sign language! I am very interested in ASL. In shaa Allah this is the year I learn and learn.

5. To celebrate birthdays and give presents
- I have always thought that birthdays are not that important and its normal to not give anything but I learn that birthday means u value that person even if u dont have money, at least u should wish or give them some balloons. hm in shaa Allah.

6. To save money haha 
- Girl I aint kidding I really need to! Rm200 per month? so ill have RM2400 by the end of the year so I can go travel hihi or maybe use to pay my debt later on. Marriage? as if. I need a wealthy guy that's for sure.

7. To buy myself something useful every month 
- To treat myself be it something simple like coffee or a baju or something blink blink. Because this year will be a tough year but surely worth it nabila.

8. To be more near to Allah 
- Been wanting to go to masjid once in a while. Maybe every week or 2 weeks. Slowly but surely. Maybe also join some forum somewhere

9. To change my daily routine 
- Wake up early. To clean the house. To help anything. To bath 2 times a day. To brush my teeth religiously.

10. To be brave. 
After this if a nurse ask whether u wanna take blood, do branula or im just say yes. Even if it scares the hell out of you. Say yes and learn!

11. To be happy.
- I hope Allah will ease me throughout all this changes. This is for you nabila. To a better you and a great life awaiting.

The day I lost my self love

I'm on a highway full of red lights
I've lost so many long nights
Felt words that cut like knives
I know, I know they're gonna
Say what they wanna
I know they're gonna
Say what they want (want want)

-Broken glass, Rachel Platten.

Is'nt it amazing how one moment can ruin your whole self esteem. Its crazy.

 People can be mean to each other but no voices are as mean as our voices to ourselves -TS 

and seriously I was really mean to myself tonight.  

ugh. I hate feeling this way. Some days my self love and confidence can go to fuck everybody im beautiful and some days it just went to you ugly fat piece of shit no wonder nobody likes you. Its crazy!! I never felt so hatred towards myself when I looked in the mirror except for tonight. I just felt ugly. Like a piece of shit who will never be good enough. I feel bad for myself for not trying my best to change. I needed a reason. I know if I kept waiting for the reason ill never be able to change. I know this wait should end. I guess its okay to be mad and to feel worthless sometimes. As long as you get back up and forgive yourself tomorrow. I hope tomorrow I am much more kind than today.

I am sorry dear self for making you feel like crap. Today is just a sad day. 

Good advice.

Honestly, I wish I can tell everyone that I have this one big solid reason on why I want to be a doctor. I do not have it. My reasons for being a doctor are a small collection of bricks. They seem insignificant, but good enough to build a home around me for me to escape when life really knocks me down. Also, I am going to live in my body for the rest of my life. I do not want to be reminded everyday with the knowledge that I have learned and feel regret for quitting. I will remember about pH while breathing, joints that are being used when I move my wrist, a trigger zone in my brain when I feel I am about to vomit, neural crest when I see a sign saying crest at the junction near my house, bowel movements when I am eating, amygdala, which is a part of the limbic system in the brain that is used when I am being emotional, adrenaline rush when I am in love and when I feel excited, enthusiastic about something and the list goes on. Medicine has become part of my life that it seems impossible to let it go. Nevertheless, if medicine is sucking out the colours of your life, maybe it is time to let go.

Good luck in making your decision.



“The sign of a good decision is the multiplicity of reasons for it.”  – Mary Doria Russell, Children of God

From : http://www.cornellmedicine.com/

Decent feeling

Covering aurah

So  today i experienced a different kind of feeling. I had no decent baju kurung, slacks or jubah left because I did not washed my clothes. Bukan taknak tapi tade masa *lah sangat* The point is im only left with a jubah which is quite fit and it shows the shape of my body. So i was thinking how do i make it unnoticed by the people. So i wore a cardigan and i lowered my hijab. Tutup dada lower than i usually wear to class. For example, i usually wore like number 6 or sometimes 5 but this morning was kind of a 7. And then the best part is i look perfectly normal and i didnt seek anyone's attention.

 I feel so secure :) 

what's my point? I dont know but this was the first time i have this kind of feeling. The feeling 

of being safe. Safe from the gaze of the men around me. And i feel calm? Lol what's my point.

If you havent tried wearing hijab i mean really wearing it and cover your breast then try it. Just try it for a day and feel it for yourself. You will feel really different. When you dont completely cover your aurah and when u completely cover your aurah. It feels so different! I guess this is why those yang 

pakai tudung labuh tak mengeluh panas or rimas. Its not the physical of the hijab, it's the feeling. The feeling of being protected by Allah and loving that feeling. 

who doesnt want to protect themself? 

especially from the scary gaze of men outside there. 

now i understand. 

and the fact that the I am the one who would always lower my gaze whenever a guy looks at me, disappoints me sometimes. 

It's not a bad thing but i feel like im not suppose to be the only one lowering my gaze.

iykwim.

I have always dream to wear tudung labuh when im old. haha yeah. i wanna wait till im old baru nak pakai tudung labuh. Nu uh dont judge me yet. On second thought, why wait till i become old when i can do it now. Well at least slowly.

 Dah lah tak cantik lepastu nak pakai tudung labuh. sape je akan tertarik dengan aku? 

Im amused by how stupid my perception was towards me wearing tudung labuh.

Its not about being cantik and let others see your beauty, 

its about protecting yourself because you love yourself not bcos u want others to love you.

now it makes sense!

and if the guy u're in love with loses his attention towards you if u start to wear tudung labuh..

then that jerk aint worth it girl.

Bukan lah tudung labuh yang labuh gila nak mampus tu but at least a decent kind of labuh. That really covers the breast. Takkan lah tu pun susah nak buat nabila? hmm

If u knew me, you might feel like im a hypocrite person writing about this good and alim stuffs when the actual me is always cursing when i talk, bad attitude, always doing sins and i dont cover my aurah completely.

 But honest to God, this is what I feel inside. Its just that i dont  know why there comes a time where i cant stop myself from doing sinful things but that does not mean i dont have iman in my heart,soul and body. I have it. just its not strong enough yet, maybe one day. in shaa Allah. 

There comes a point where even the most evil person in the world is tired of always doing bad things. It's human nature to return or find the good side in them. It's not easy to be a good person or a good 'khalifah' in this world. It takes time depends on the person's willingness. The willingness to leave all the bad things and devote themselves with all the good things they can do. Even i have so much flaws that if I were a God i would never forgive myself. But im not a God and im glad im not. Because i dont have the kindness that Allah has towards His servants. And im glad i have Allah in my life.

Everybody has a bad past. 

You either learn from it or repeat it again.

but one thing u should keep in mind, 

that im always doing it to myself these day

is to never forgive yourself too easy.

when u start to think of doing a bad sin, curse at yourself.

Be very mad at yourself until u start to cry.

I know im being cruel with myself but its because i love myself and i want to protect myself.

May Allah ease everything for you and me. 

p/s : Finished my 1st sem for year 1 :) yeayyyy!

problem is i think i did bad is the basic 

medical studies and if i dont catch up with it or fix it.

Im gonna be so dead in the systemic block later on -.-

bye. night xo